My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.