It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
i guess his teacher was really pissed
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
the best thing i’ve ever made
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.