WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame