shit just got real
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
the worm is coming from inside the brain
My last name is Zilla.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My work here is done
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy