Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she鈥檚 seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you鈥檒l be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If my dog鈥檚 front feet move while he鈥檚 asleep then I know he鈥檚 dreaming about playing the piano. If it鈥檚 his back feet, tap dancing.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I鈥檓 buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can鈥檛 talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 馃槀
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The news
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”