I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Happens to everyone.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
whatcha thinkin bout
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
*puts words between two asterisks*
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no