I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
mechanics be like
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.