Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.