My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.