never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?