Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go