I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Breaking news:
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning