Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.