I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
thank god
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.