“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
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Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now