Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
the three genders
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
doing some research
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
This one’s “Alex”.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.