NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.