90% of parenting is crumb identification.
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
👾👾👾
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?