What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”