It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.