I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
hmmm
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.