good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Blew out my flip flop…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I feel it
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*