[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”