the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
New tinder profile pic
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!