Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.