Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
You Might Also Like
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…