Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
wtf is a larm clock?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.