I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
No, he would not have.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.