People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
john wicks are toilet candles
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!