WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
when someone compliments me
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers