CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
You Might Also Like
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
A woman drives into a bar.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.