If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
how it started vs how it ended
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!