[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Important reminders
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it