imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Bringing home a sharpie
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.