Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
You Might Also Like
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god