[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.