[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
This is my pinned tweet
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.