Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.