Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
You Might Also Like
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.