*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
You Might Also Like
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.