thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.