This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth