canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.