I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You Might Also Like
Spring cleaning checklist…
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE