I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now