i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.