If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Monday Lisa