I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Nice try, NASA
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself