I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You Might Also Like
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
nature’s most graceful animal
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
everyone has that one prude friend
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When can I start eating bats again.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane