I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you